Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Random short story :)

Through Unknown eyes

   Sofia Park was like any new college student trying to be normal. When looking at her one would think she was an average American, she was 5’5 and skinny as a twig, she peered over her new surroundings moving her glasses up. To most people Sofia seemed normal, but masks will always be masks.
Sofia stood waiting for the public bus; it was her first week living on her own. Her Red, coppery hair streamed in the wind like a runaway silk scarf. She could not see the world before her because of her wild red curly hair, she attempted to whisk the hair away with her unmanaged nails. The chipped color and sharp length of the nail made it hard for employers to take her seriously.  Her mossy colored eyes darted up and down the street, the chill of the morning air scratched at her like icy darts . The pain made her wish that she had grabbed that extra sweater, but alas she hadn’t, she had convinced herself that later in the day it would be too cumbersome. She turned and her crazy, untamed copper ringlets slapped her in the face.
You could hear the sound of a bus bustling along at its own sloth like pace. Her bag swung as she walked out of the sheltered area, hitting against her twig like thigh. The bus came to a crawling stop, air swished by rapidly under the tires. This event made Sofia jump, this happened every time she encountered something loud.  She boarded the unearthly smelling public vehicle, and there exactly three seats back sat a familiar face. One that she saw everyday no matter where she went, no matter how far out of her way she went. His name was Darien, and he was not in the least bit real, at least in the fact that Sofia was the only person who could see him.
Darien was a bulky man in his early twenties, broad shoulders. His face always like a smiling angel, eyes that looked like god had taken the Caribbean waters and turned it into two little spheres. His hair a whirled mess of waves, his teeth resembled perfect purls picked fresh from the ocean and polished to a shine.
Darien smiled his Cheshire smile, when he saw Sofia walk onto the bus, he looked like he was in the mood to cause trouble. Sofia closed her eyes, until recently, Sofia had gone dealt with Darien by herself, but now she was seeing a specialist. Sofia ignored Darien and walked past him. Darien frowned, he did not like to be ignored by Sofia.
“What’s wrong this time,” He asked.
Sofia pretended to not hear him, to not see him, but he always made it hard for her. She sometimes could not contain her voice; once she in a public mall, she started yelling at him for wandering into the ladies changing room.  She was now beginning to feel like he was having a more powerful hold on her, she was giving into him more and more. She would find herself having a full conversation with him in the store, as on goers watched and turned their children’s heads away. Darien looked at her, and leaned back in the seat and looked out the window.
“Sof, you’re lucky you know. You can feel the world around you, the coolness in the air, the touch of a person. I feel nothing, only loneliness.” Darien stared off into the nothingness, secretly hopping for Sofia’s attention.
Sofia opened her phone as if to answer a call, She didn’t say anything.
“You know you can pretend you can’t hear me but I know you can!” Darien said leaning over an oblivious woman.
“Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hear you, because you don’t exist to me!” Sofia growled in mumble.
Again Darien’s face changed, his angelic lips bowed down into a frown causing his eyes to darken and tear up.
“You know I’m not just mental figment of your imagination, and until you realize you’ll just keep upsetting yourself.” Darien seemed pleased with his answer; he masked his sadness with a smile.  
Sofia looked at him displeased, she was fuming, “I wish that you would just leave me alone! I never asked for you to follow me around!” Sofia’s voice rose.
The woman a few seats ahead of her turned around and looked at her, Sofia waved to signal to the woman that she was ok, and the woman turned back around.
“Well you’re the only person who can see me! Why would I NOT follow you around?” Darien’s perfect face became a bright red.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Sofia yelled in a hush voice at the phone.
“Ok I will, but I can guarantee that you will miss me,” Darien’s face filled with shadow. 
And with that Darien disappeared into the air, the bus stopped and Sofia realized that this was her stop and quickly got off.
It had been a few weeks since Sofia last saw Darien, she had re-grasped her grip on reality, and was doing fantastic. Although at the same time she felt like something or someone was missing. Sofia had since gained a flower delivery job. 
Sofia sighed, she hated hospitals, the smell, the sounds, it all seemed too surreal. Today however she felt anxious, an odd feeling for Sofia as of late. Since the last time she saw Sofia she felt calm, collective, and happy, most importantly she felt sane! Her world had turned around ‘for the better’ her therapist had said to her, but she also felt alone.
Sofia, like always walked up to the nurses’ station, “can you direct me to,” she looked at the paper, “Mr. Morenci’s room.”
When Sofia said Mr. Morenci’s name she pictured an older man with a house full of cats.
The nurse looked up, the nurse has the signs of an over worked employee, “Mr. Morenci is in room 102-b on floor C, and be warned he is quite rude.”
“Thank you for the warning,” Sofia smiled warmly, and proceeded to floor C, she worked her way down the hall. It was quite in this wing, it was almost eerie however the same anxious feeling held in the air.
“Room 99, room 100, room 101, and finally room 102-b.” She said quietly to herself. 
The label on the door said ’D.W. Morenci’. She proceeded to knock to allow time to redress if needed. The hoarse like sound of a man’s voice, “Come in.”
She opened the door, and between her and Mr. Morenci stood a little nurse “I’m from metro flowers, and I have brought you a bouquet for a Mr. Morenci.”
The hoarse like voice coughed “Do you, Mrs. Metro-flower,  have a name?”
“Sofia,” She said putting the flowers on the nearest table.
A hand came around from the bed and pushed the nurse out of the way, Sofia’s breath caught as looked at the man on the bed. Her Jaw dropped, she found herself staring into Caribbean blue eyes, a pearl smile warmed the room.
“Told you that you would miss me!”  

1 comment:

  1. It's a cute short story Liz :3 I really like the plot.

    If you want some critique though, there a few things though that get in the way of the flow of your story. I could go through and point them out to you- but I just want to give you a general idea of what to look out for.
    You have a habit of confusing the tense of words.
    For example "You could hear the sound of a bus bustling along at its own sloth like pace." Could be a good sentence- except that the rest of the paragraph is not focused on "you" it is focused on past tense Sofia.

    Another little note- you have a habit of making many sentences just a little too wordy. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I'll give you a couple of examples.
    Same paragraph as the above example and a few sentences later, you wrote:
    "The bus came to a crawling stop, air swished by rapidly under the tires. This event made Sofia jump, this happened every time she encountered something loud." When read- the sentences seem very distracting because it is too choppy with information. Try and mould it together- "This event made Sofia jump" doesn't even need to be present in the context you used it. See if this is any easier to read:
    "The bus crawled to a stop, and Sofia jumped as the air swished rapidly under its tires. This was a common occurrence for Sofia and loud noises."
    Do you see the difference? My sentence isn't a perfect example- but I just re-arranged the order of your words to make them work a little better together- and for me at least, it's easier to understand. I think you could do this for a lot of your other sentences :)

    Otherwise there are some grammar stuff you should look over:
    'Her mossy colored eyes' could be easier read as "her moss colored eyes"
    "Sofia closed her eyes, until recently, Sofia had gone dealt with Darien by herself" COULD instead be "Sofia closed her eyes. Until recently, Sofia had dealt with Darien by herself."
    "-the bus stopped and Sofia realized that this was her stop and quickly got off" COULD be "the bus stopped and Sofia realized that it was her stop and quickly got off."
    And so on. :3
    Anyway! Nice story! I am confused at the ending just slightly... Darien is real? hehe